All I know is, everything's changed.

So, who doesn't love to start out a post with a taylor swift lyric?  I feel like it really sets the tone.

We moved to our new town all bright eyed and bushy tailed back in June.  Jeff had done a little internship at his job and loved it, our new house was getting a spruce up with help of my in laws and I was moving back closer to almost everyone I had grown up with.  It was exciting.  I was of course so sad to leave Tyler, but, I mean, rainbows on the floor.  We were excited.

In the short time that we have lived here I feel like everything has turned upside down.  I know that not really everything has changed, but the things that seem to have put a different light on the the things that are the same. Sometimes I feel so much doubt and fear and, if I am honest, shame.  

Jeff's job situation ended up not working out and he had to leave.  We were so sad for him to be leaving, but it was definitely what we had to do.  There were issues that were not being repaired and it was obvious that Jeff just couldn't stay there.  And hindsight is 20/20, so they say.  We were aware of some of the issues and chose to brush them under the rug for a while and then, when we were faced with them in a more direct manner, things became much more clear.  A lot of thought and prayer went into this- more than maybe other issues in my life.  There were lots of difficult parts to this, but I do know that leaving was something Jeff had to do.  Late at night, however, all my head is crowded with is that we moved here for this job and left a town, school and neighbors that I loved, for something that ended up being kind of a bust.  And Jeff had to leave his first (real) job in the first month.  It just feels so overwhelming and so out of my control.  I 100% stand behind Jeff's decision and feel like it was a necessary step, but it is still difficult to write and tell people about.
And we are having a baby.  What in the world was I thinking?  (my doctor is wondering the same thing) And kindergarten is kind of hard.  What if they have to repeat?  Will we ever make friends in this community? Should we sell our house and look for something smaller in the wake of all of these changes?  Why does it feel, all of a sudden, that every decision we have made in the past 6 months weighed on this job? The uncertainty of what is next is killing me.  Adult sized messes are so much more weighing than even residency sized messes, it feels like.  I know that I am being way over dramatic about the whole thing and that Jeff can moonlight, the baby will come and it will feel normal, and if the kids have to redo kindergarten than that wont be the end of the world.  So maybe my dramatic mine fill of a brain should take it down a notch.

And seeing Jeff have the courage to make the right decisions and chose the more difficult path because we feel like it is right, is an incredible feeling and I am so proud of him.  Sometimes, I just want to go back to secure, normal life.
(Who doesnt love a good debbie downer on a friday?  You guys are welcome.  I know coming here is usually a breath of fresh ballerinas and fun crafts by allison until I unload ridiculous amounts of waa waa waas.)
You see, consistency is my bread and butter.  I thrive on it.  I love a consistent friend, job, life, tradition, etc.   (I am also consistently late, bad at meeting new people and consistently over eating, biting my nails and drinking diet coke.  So, I guess its not all good.)  I dont over crowd my life with extra stuff if I dont feel like I can juggle all the balls at the same time.  Annnd mostly I like consistency because I hate change.  SO, there's that.
But I am trying to see this as dreaming the impossible dream (stay with me).  Consistency is not always the stuff that dreams are made of.  It is normal and consistent to work in a job that you get for more than a month, to operate under normal working hours and not to have constant changes all at the same time.  But how boring is normal?  (that's what I keep telling myself).  Who knows what is ahead? (not me)  Hopefully, and fully covered in prayer, things will be so much better than we imagined and what Jeff gets to do and what we get to do as a family will far exceed my consistent and normal limitations.  Hopefully, I will get to be more than consistent (and I would say normal, but I dont think I have ever been normal).  I will get to be brave and not fearful and peaceful and grow in spite of it all! (a girl can dream.)  When I chose my word of the year I really had no idea so much courage would actually have to go into this year.  But, hopefully it will really change me.  Turn me into someone who likes change (tolerates it), is open to growth and not afraid of tomorrow.
Anyway, we'll see.  Ill keep you posted on the impossible dream and let you know what is in store for us.  I know it will be things that we haven't thought of, and that it will be much better than normal. Or consistent.
Ill let you know.