5/30/12

4th Birthday for B&S and a little birth recollecting

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(memorial day weekend at my in laws 2008)
I wish I could remember what day it was when I found out that I was having twins. 
It must have been a tuesday or a thursday because avery was at school, and it was later in the afternoon, because allison was going to pick her up.
I found out that I was pregnant a few months earlier, and didn't go to the dr because I really wasn't ready to be pregnant.  I know that that sounds so trite and selfish, and now, knowing so many people who struggle to get pregnant and want a child so badly, I realize that, but at the time I just wasn't ready.  So I put it off.
A long time.
Til I was maybe 14 weeks?  I really don't remember exactly.
I do remember the drs appt that day, though.
I remember laying there, on the table, with the sweet sonogrammer. I looked up at the screen and thought it was broken- it was a split screen. 
The usual health issues and worries had been in my head about the baby but nothing about twins.  It had truly never occurred to me. 
Then, I remember this with the most precise detail, when the Dr walked in he asked me, "How many babies did you order?!"
And I grabbed his leg.
I told him that you do not joke with people like that, in my most serious voice.
He, however, was not joking.
Then, I let out the cry that was heard around the world.
I called allison and told her to come up right away.  She had to come get the carseat out of my car (because I had forgotten to give it to her) and it was getting to be close to the time to pick her up, so she was very confused and didn't really know what to do- was she supposed to get aves or rush to see whatever her dramatic friend was probably blowing out of proportion??  I could tell she was trying to say she would love to but didn't think there was time when I just let it slip that she had to see how many kids I was having and hung up. 
She, of course, came right up.
Allison burst into the exact right amount of happy tears and laughed with excitement.  She felt all the right feelings and was so overwhelmed with happiness that she was crying.
I was not crying because of overwhelming happiness.
I was crying out of dread and fear.
I could not wait to call my parents and lindsay (who were both out of town and hard to reach.  So, I of course stalked them) and when I finally got to tell them they all laughed with excitement and encouragement while I tried to whine about how scared I was.  (I am truly so blessed by the amazing people in my life.)
I went on like this for much too long- trying to convince everyone why I was wrong to be the one having twins.  God had it all messed up.  Twin parents were organized and scheduled and planners.  I can barely shower with one kid (or before kids) much less put four people on a schedule.  I loved having avery as my constant companion and best friend who did everything with me. I didnt want to mess that up or the life that I was leading that enabled me to take her everywhere and not worry about bringing a million things.  I was about to have my whole backseat full of carseats.  That doesn't make it very easy to just stop by friends houses or make a quick trip to see family.
My favorite thing to say in all of this was, that I didn't know why multiples were even an option.  Why is it even possible to have more than one child at a time?? One kid is hard enough.
I cried and cried so much for the next four months that I think I drove everyone around me crazy.
And when strangers aren't commenting on how huge you are, they are saying how much they always wanted twins.  
I bet you did lady.
But magically, at 4:30am on May 30, all those feelings of fear and anxiety and anger at this new kid-centric world that I was about to live in, left, when I went into labor 8 1/2 weeks early.
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I begged my dr to let me have them with just an epidural so that I could still pick up avery and not worry about the healing process of a c-section. She was very weary of this, but since they were only 4 lbs and facing down, she let me go for it.
Ben was first and was set to come out just fine.
Until sawyer kept trying to push ben out of the way.
 They broke his water to see if that would allow ben to come.  She still kept pushing, so they ended up having to break her water, too.  She still kept trying to come out first, but he managed to finagle his way out.  After he came out and they said "its a boy!" (and jeff said "we're done!"), sawyer pushed her cord out, it prolapsed and I had to have an emergency c-scetion.
Sassy.  That girl has had her own ideas since before she came out to breath air.
(So much for trying to make my own plans.  I should have figured out I wasn't in a control by then, but I really cant be told enough that I am NOT.)  She was a little bit blue and had to be given oxygen and they put them both in the NICU right away.
She pinked up quickly and was in with ben in no time.
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All of a sudden, I was so sad for the people that just had one baby in the NICU to visit.  I just felt so overwhelmed with love and excitement and joy.  Just like with avery- even though I didn't know it could be possible to love like that again.
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It was, again, the best day of my life.
And just like every parent says, it goes too fast.
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There were lots of nights where we were all crying and lots of nights where I would just sit and stare at them. I prayed that I would not wish this time away because I knew how much I would want it back.
Just like that they were real sized babies;
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And then they were huge babies.
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And, somehow, without me even really knowing it, they became kids.
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And I cant tell you how much I look back on that time when they were babies with the most fond and perfect memories.
When I listen to them talk to each other, or play together when I am in the other room, or laugh at each other until they cant breathe- now, I think I know why twins are a possibility.
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(memorial day 2012 at my in laws house)
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Maybe the whole reason they were even an idea in the first place was so that I could have them.
And they could change my life.
Happy Birthday Ben and Sawyer.
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Thanks again for changing what my definition of happiness was and making it a whole lot better.

17 comments:

Naturally Carly said...

I just love this story. Love. What a precious story. Thank you for sharing.

www.naturallycarly.blogspot.com

the tichenor family said...

such a precious post kristen... ben & sassy are so blessed to have you for a mama. hope they had the happiest day!

The Payne's said...

I love this! I have tears from how sweet this is! Happy Birthday Ben and Sassy!!

Alexis said...

Ok so I haven't even met your precious twins and that post has me all emotional! Happy birthday to them and how lucky they are to have you as a mommy!

Misty said...

aaaannnnnddddd...... my tears are flowing. You have a way with words & this just totally melted my heart. You're so blessed & I am so glad you posted it. Happy Happiest Birthday to your little twinnie winnies : )

lfhcreative said...

Oh gosh, I so so can relate to everything in this post. I had b/g surprise twins about a year after I met you at the kojo shoe party and I can identify with the freaking out/denial/not me to the almost exact same scary birth scenario. Mine are 16 months now and I can honestly say I think most people are getting jipped by getting babies one at a time ;) Best unexpected gift from God ever. Happy Birthday to B & S!

The Fisks said...

i LOVE this post...so beautiful! If any mom was made for it, you were...mom of the year.

Lifethrualinds said...

I am just crying and crying. I remember the moment you told me you were having twins and the day they were born with such clarity. It was so much nervous excitement because they were early. I cannot imagine you not having twins now. I really can't. You do it with such grace and laughter and fun and you are the perfect mom for twins. Happy birthday Ben and sassy! I love, love, love you!!

Lifethrualinds said...

I am just crying and crying. I remember the moment you told me you were having twins and the day they were born with such clarity. It was so much nervous excitement because they were early. I cannot imagine you not having twins now. I really can't. You do it with such grace and laughter and fun and you are the perfect mom for twins. Happy birthday Ben and sassy! I love, love, love you!!

Camila said...

Oh this post made me cry! So sweet and of course you are just the best mom and handle twins way better than I ever could!!

Carrie said...

Can I join everyone else and say I am just crying over here?? So so sweet. I love the way God has equipped you to be a twin mom (well, and a mom to three!) Love this and Happy Birthday Ben and Sassy!!

Cassie, Alex & Dresden said...

Well, I am totally crying now!!! Such a sweet, real, no holds barred post; it is completely obvious how happy they make you and how much you love them!!! I hope they had a great birthday!

Priscilla said...

Kristen, you have such a gift with words and truth. God chose you to be Avery's, Ben's, and Sassy's mom because He knew you'd be so good at it!! Happy birthday to Ben and Sawyer!

Brittany Strebeck said...

kristen!! you made me cry just then. what a perfect story. thanks for sharing all of that goodness.

jennifer said...

such a precious post. your words were just perfect! so thankful for these two precious lives (and their sweet sis, mom, and dad too!)

Kristen said...

precious post. Had no idea our twins were only a few months apart. Twins are a gift. I love having twins & I love watching their bond. It makes me wish I was a twin. What a fun little sweet life they live. Your twins are precious. Enjoy every minute. I do have to say that having 1 baby is such a breeze after having my 2:)

allyo said...

Such a sweet post. I cried through most of it. Your babies (all three) are precious, and so blessed to have such a wonderful mommy!

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