Word of the Year 2013

Remember when I was going to try no emotional prep for this move?? Great idea, that was.  NOT.  (Also, going back to the 90s for the day.)
After a significant breakdown, due to not cooking the pork we had for dinner thoroughly enough, I feel like I may not be totally fine just ignoring the fact that we are moving.  I have really enjoyed living in this nice place of denial.  I want to stay here and relax and deal with it when it comes, but it seems to creep up on me when I dont even know it.  Like when I make and serve under cooked pork to the kids, and then when Jeff comes home and tells me no, pork can not be even a little bit pink, I will sob until my eyes are puffy.
I so hope its not the undercooked pork that I am crying about.  (Although that dang hog has been quite the life changer for me this past year.  I blame them all. Completely.)
If you have been reading this blog for very long then you know that I know that moving it is not a real problem and that people around me have actual problems and things that are truly hard, but it is the thing that breaks me down the most.  I just cant handle it very well.  I try every time and every time I turn into a stress ball.  I have a real hard time with change of any kind (unless its my hair). I don't want to try new foods; I dont even really care about traveling (I KNOW!) because I just like being home; I have the same friends since elementary, and I am happy that way.  I push against anything new, rebel even, and complain the entire time.  Until maybe I have decided, on my own, that it may be good idea.  Only then can I try it out. But I will mourn the old way, even if I like the new one.
Sometimes it is because I have found a really good thing and I know it when I saw it (friends), and sometimes because I am afraid of what is ahead (moving).  Leaving the life that I have built and worked hard for to start another one that I don't know is really difficult for me to do.  I know every time this happens that I will find friends that I love and that love me.  I always do.  God always provides for me.  Always.
But I still get so scared.
I am very attached, afraid and limiting.  I am afraid of everything.  I over worry about things that have zero significance and will be dealt with just fine, like meeting new people and trying new things, but worry very little about bigger things that people buy insurance for.  I don't know why its so switched in my head. and my heart.  But it is.
I have always known this about myself and have dealt with it in small segments throughout life.  In college I transferred.  (Amazing now that I look back on that).  I did move into lindsay's room, so that def helped :) I joined youth impact and it only took me 30 min to get in the door and one semester to speak (and I may have rapped Mase as my first words to the group.  I am a winner in the truest since of the word).  Lubbock was a major downslide and it took a almost year to meet anyone.  Then, it was great and I loved it and yadaydayda.  In Tyler, I really tried to get out there in some ways, but I still got so down, and didn't have the peace and strength that I desperately needed.  I met tons of amazing people and it was much faster this time around, but it was still a long, hard process. Last year, my word was faith and I could not have known how pertinent that would be. I feel almost like a different person.  I have a new anchor and strength that I had let slip away.  I had put values on things that I didn't real value, and lost myself for a while, trying to make my life more about finding myself.  If that even makes any sense.  This next year, I want to use what I have learned and the lessons and strength that I have grown in to actually do something.
So, on that note, with things changing and me realizing that fear is the main factor that has held me back from doing instead of just thinking (or complaining) , I am trying out courage for 2013.  I wanted brave because I want to be brave and get out there; to not be afraid that people will think I'm crazy, or that I will uproot my kids and they will never adjust, or that this is not the place we are supposed to be, etc.  But bravery is the absence of fear, and I will never have that.  In theory, I throw caution to the wind and fear has no place in my life anymore, but that is not likely.  Courage was the next option. It is doing things that are scary, in the midst of fear.  That sounds much more like me.  And, sometimes, I think all I need to do is have the courage to just listen or pray or wait.  Without fear of what might or might not happen, and with peace that it will all be ok.  Without anger, or bitterness, or forcing myself into situations I don't necessarily need to be, just to prove something. Sometimes, I just need the courage to get down on my knees and give it up to God.  The courage to accept His peace and His plans and His will.  Courage to trust in the faith He has built.  Courage to move to new house, courage to make new friends, go to the events that are offered around us, to actively pray for opportunities.  Courage to try new foods, activities, adventures, travels, etc.  Courage to get myself out of my pity party and out of myself.  Courage to have fun, even when I want to sulk. Courage to wear the weird unflattering clothes, just because I like them.  I so admire those people who are truly themselves and let that shine.  And the people that can try new things without a thought of what it might cost them.  I want to be that person.  Or at least head in that direction.
I want to look back on this year and know that I stepped out more than I ever have before, and that I had fun doing it.  I don't want to over think myself out of things, let fear take over, or sit something out because it is too hard or too far out of my reach.
In (hopefully) our last move, I hope I will have the courage to change, move, grow and look different right along with my life.  And, hopefully without (a lot of) complaining.
We will see, 2013. 


jojo said...

Kristen you will do great just like you have every place you go. You bring adventure and fun everywhere you go. I can't wait to see you in action when you move to your new place. I wonder if we ever grow out of being scared? I am 62 and still trying to get the courage.Love You!!

jojo said...

Gotta correct this-- I am 61. :( The years get away from you and you can't remember.

Misty said...

Kristen y'all are in my prayers for an easy transition. Think of all the lives you touch with all your moves:) id love to have you for a neighbor, even if it were just for a short time! I know moving and saying 'see ya later' to friends is so hard, so ill keep you in my prayers!

Jordan said...

love your heart kristen. I'm so thankful for all the places the Lord has led you and that it means that we got to be in the same town for a bit. I know he has great things in store for y'all.

(oh and I am sending you a printable I made for the girl's room- cause it is a verse about courage that I printed out for my little worrier, kead)

Julie Burris said...

Thanks so much for your post, and I appreciate your honesty! It's exactly what I needed to read today. We are currently moving suburbs in Dallas with the plan of quitting my job to stay at home with my 5 month old and 3 yr old. I'm so anxious about making new friends and learning to be a SAHM, but I know it's the plan God has for our family, so I need to rest in that. I hope your transition goes well and you are settled quickly! Thanks again!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...