I'm Tired.

That's really all.

I'm just tired.

Let me get this straight, Lu is super cute.  And I am definitely a dog person.

I knew this was coming.

But it doesn't make it any easier.

Also, Shea gave up naps with the big girl room.

 And most of the time, unless I carry the carseat in with me, that is sticking.

I know that happens with kids.  I know they give up naps and I know dogs pee everywhere and wake up at night and eat your chickens.  I KNOW THAT.

But man, its wearing on me.

Tonight we found out Avery has lice again.

And, I don't know.  It just kind of put me over the edge.

I cried and prayed and I know that the family and friends and just the whole life that I have is so incredible and I am so thankful for it.

I just am tired.

I dont want to be this busy, and I don't really know what to do.

I do try and keep us only involved in  things that are directly serving other people or is something that one of the kids or Jeff needs at that time.

But there are a lot of us.  And it adds up.

And did I mention that I'm tired?

I am not writing this to whine and I am going to hide it a few posts back where I hope no one will have to read it, but I wanted to post it here just in case anyone is under the illusion that all of this comes easily for me.

Or my kids someday.  That when they are parents, or just adults, they know that I got overwhelmed and tired too, and that its ok.  

I am terrible at time management, saying no, and conflict.  I am also desperately in need of alone time.  Pretty much as much as I can get.  Right now there is zero of it.  Shea can not be in the other room from me without a panic attack.  If she cant see me or hear me when she calls she immediately starts crying and screaming and that lasts for a little bit after she finds me...in the kitchen. or bathroom. Or sitting next to her on the couch.  (She is a little dramatic.  Luckily I know where she gets it ;) 

I also have been suffering with some depression for the past 8 months or so during my period (or after, or before sometimes), and it has taken a toll on me.  It has left me in the bathroom crying for no reason at all and unable to stop.  Or crying on walks, or in my car or  not being able to get out of bed at all.  I feel so much guilt for this when I know I should just be thankful for the life that I have.  I struggle so much with the sadness and then the guilt for feeling so sad but not being able to reconcile that with all the good in my life.  It has taught me so much about depression and I am so thankful for what I have learned, but it has been hard.  I am so thankful that it wasn't caused by something terrible, but at the same time feel so much guilt because it wasn't.  My brother and his family (and our whole family) and so many close friends are battling real obstacles and struggles in their lives that are so difficult.  Mine is absolutely nothing.  It is not even comparable to anything that they are struggling with and I want to make that completely clear.  My depression is hormonal or chemical or situation, I dont know yet, but it is not even close to the things they are struggling with.  I hate SO MUCH that they are struggling. I hate it.  And it has been so encouraging seeing how incredibly strong they all are, and how they teach me what it means to rely on the Lord during any hard time.

Over the holidays it lifted for a couple of months and I almost felt the opposite- on a complete high. I was so thankful and grateful to feel good, that I basically jumped out of bed every day.  I felt so good that I could not stop smiling. That wasn't every day, but it was such an amazing feeling to not feel down, that it made me so grateful and I wanted to use every second I felt good, almost wiling the sadness not to come back.

This month it has come back a little.  I dont feel the need to hide, and I think its not the chemical depression it was.  It feels so much more manageable and just situational overwhelmment.  I know I will get through it.  But it does scare me to be at this point again.  I want to get to a place where I can manage my time and manage Shea so that I will be better for everyone else.

Right now Shea is signed up for school in the fall and Jan is helping me out on Thursdays so I can get the orders done that have come in that week. I am so incredibly thankful for her willingness to do that. Its only been once but it was life changing.  I can never tell her how thankful I am for Thursdays. 

All that to say, my life is incredible.  My kids are healthy and wonderful and my family is doing well, and I have so many amazing friends.  I am so, so thankful for all of it.

I know I will feel better in the morning after I get Avery to the lice people (where do I go for that? Worry about that tomorrow) and all of the bedding and everything washed and hopefully tomorrow will be the day that the dog will learn to go to the bathroom OUTSIDE.

Here's to hoping.

And lots of praying.